I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
