a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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