Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
