I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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