So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
