Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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