i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
