Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
