Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
