I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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