Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!