3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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