The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I have post one night stand depression
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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