I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I have grass duct taped all over my body
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
