you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
