Apparently you make a good broom.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
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She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
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I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
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