I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
