She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
