nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Randomize
