I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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