im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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