Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
