You're my little dorito
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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