I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
