He uses pillows to masturbate.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
