I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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