I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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