Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I need moral support for this bender
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Randomize
