the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
