I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
