Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I need to sanitize my soul.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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