You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
