"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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