I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
