Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
