ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
