Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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