Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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