I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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