One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
