we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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