Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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