Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
