I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Randomize
