I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
