I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
