he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i dont even know how to be here
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
