I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
