you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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