in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
