come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
