Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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