So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
