Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
try to milk me bitch
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