I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
