My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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