good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
