How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
