I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
