So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
