I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
