There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
