Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
