If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
