You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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