i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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