I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
