Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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