I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
